Making a Turkey Out of a Sergeant
by Hypes
Summary: Sergeant Joe's new to Thanksgiving, but he's appaled to learn that it involves eating a turkey. To fight back against this caniballism, Sergeant Joe and few others will try to destroy the holiday! Will Thanksgiving be defeated once and for all? R


**MAKING A TURKEY OUT OF A SERGEANT** -A Thanksgiving Suikoden III story- 

By Hypes

[Genso Suikoden III is © Konami]

It was morning. Such narration would tell you this. I can safely tell you that is was morning. An autumn morning in fact, high in the hills of Lakeside Castle Budehuc. The trees were all the colors of worn out metals, red, yellow, copper, and the like. A certain chill swept through, bringing fragrances of apple cider and spices. Ah, there's nothing like November. Especially if you're a duck.

"ACHOO!" Was the wake-up call to Sergeant Joe, who jut happened to be that duck. The birds were calling, singing out a song, but obviously not to him. The only thing singing to him was the tissue as the sergeant blew his bill. "Hmph. This is preposterous. Every day I ask my self why I'm still here. I should have traveled south a long time ago before this cold came." The sergeant complained.

"HEY JOE!" The door slammed open as a certain young brunette with a demon for a doll appeared. "Guess what today is!"

The duck hopped out of bed and quickly placed his helmet on. He was a bit eccentric about that helmet, he was. "It's Sergeant Joe or just Sergeant."

"Whatever Joe. Guess what today is!" Mel played it off.

"November 27th?"

"Uh… I guess that's right. But guess again!"

"O.K… Thursday?"

"…Yea, that's right too, but guess again!"

Joe sighed and turned his blue eyes elsewhere, searching for his famous Duck Halberd. He wasn't comfortable not knowing where it was. "I give up. What day is it?"

"It's THANKSGIVING!" Mel leaped in the air, smashing Brankey on the doorframe.

"Ouch! You stupid insignificant miscreant whelp! That hurt!" The evil wolf barked.

"Brankey! You need to watch your language!" Mel shouted.

"Wait! No! I can change!" Brankey pleaded, but it was too late. Mel had decided punishment, and fires were cast into the young woman's brown eyes as she began to smack the demon against the wall again and again.

"Sometimes I wonder about you Mel. Wait, take that back. I always wonder about you Mel. Now what's this Thnaksgiving you speak of?" Joe asked.

"TAKE THAT AND THAT AND THAT AND THAT AND…" Mel was obviously too busy teaching her puppet a lesson. Joe shook his head and walked out the door beside her.

"Hmmm…. This 'Thanksgiving' must be a Zexen holiday. I've never heard of it before in all of my travels. I'm sure someone has heard of it before…" Joe thought as he walked the little town of Budehuc. It wasn't long before he came across someone who was Zexen and that could probably help him out. 

"Good morning Cecille." Joe said as he greeted the Garrison Commander Cecille Brown, who was standing ever alert at the castle entrance, as usual.

"Hi Sergeant! Wait, I mean-" Cecille stopped herself in mid sentence and lifted her lift foot and her spear. She stomped the ground and spun the spear over her shoulder, trying not to mess up. She then saluted, trying her best to look serious. "Good morning Sergeant!"

Sergeant Joe saluted her and they both went at ease. "Cecille, you look Zexen enough. What is this 'Thanksgiving" that Mel speaks of?"

Cecille put on a great big smile and her blue eyes began to sparkle. Joe almost regretted asking the question. "THNAKSGIVING'S GREAT! WEALLGETTOGETHERANDEATANDLAUGHANDHAVEFUN! THERESLOTSTOEATINCLUDINGHAMANDCRABERRIESANDPOTATOESANDCHESTNUTS! MMM,ICOULDEATTHATRIGHTNOW! EVERYONEGETSTOGETHERFORONEBIGFEASTANDWESIGNSONGSAND-"

"Get a hold of yourself!" Joe struck the earth with the blunt end of his Duck Halberd. "Make pauses this time."

Cecille blinked and took a deep breath. "O.K. Thanksgiving is when we all thank the Goddess for everything she has blessed us with and have a big feast with all our family and friends!"

"Is that all? That doesn't sound too impressive…" Joe stated. In his travels, he had been to many feasts. This 'Thanksgiving' couldn't be any more special than any of those.

"It's the best thing in the world! We get to eat all sorts of food! I wonder how big the turkey's going to be?" Cecille thought.

"You're inviting a turkey? That's awfully considerate of you. That way I won't be the only bird here at this 'Thanksgiving"." Joe smiled. Wilder and his chubby friend were out on holiday, leaving Joe the only feathered fowl behind.

Cecille laughed. "No silly! The turkey's the center part of the feast! We eat him!"

It felt like a brick had just been thrown into Joes face. His eyes widened and his grip constricted around the halberd. "What?! You EAT the Turkey?!"

"Of course! I hope he's a big fat one this year!" Cecille explained.

"CANNIBALS! MONSTERS!" Sergeant Joe shouted, restraining himself to take a swipe at the garrison commander. "HEATHONOUS WORMS! YOU can't EAT the turkey!"

"Of course we eat the turkey! We do every year! Have you never been to a Thanksgiving feast before?" Cecille tilted her head in question.

"Harrumph! I certainly haven't and I plan not to! You call us grasslanders savages?! You Zexens are sick and must be stopped!" Sergeant Joe fumed. "Good day!"

"Uh… See you at the feast today!" Cecille waved as the duck stomped off.

_These savages… how could they? This is sheer murder! Cannibalism! Who would have thought to create a holiday where one eats turkey? Well, this 'Thanksgiving' must be stopped at all costs, and I plan on doing it! _Joe planned in his head as he marched towards the castle.

It wasn't long before Hugo's door had a new webbed shaped footprint upon its sleek surface. The Sergeant kicked in the door, Halberd in battle position.

Hugo, who was reading the newspaper (delivered courtesy of Arthur), leaped up. "Sergeant! What's the matter! Are we being attacked?!"

"I'll say! Hugo! You must join me in my fight to stop Thanksgiving!" Joe roared.

"Stop it? Arthur told me all about it. It sounds like a lot of fun." Hugo defended the holiday.

"Do you know that they will be serving a TURKEY as the main course tonight!?"

Hugo scratched his head. "… I think he said something about a turkey…"

The sergeant tilted his head in confusion. "You know of the turkey and still do nothing?"

Hugo shrugged. "Turkey's aren't that smart. I don't even think they're sentient…"

"Traitor! How could you join the ironheads when cannibalism will be present?! A turkey of all things!"

A second door smashed open, leaving an infuriated Lilly with her hands upon her hips. "Hugo! How could you partake in Thanksgiving?! There's so much meat going around! I, as a vegetarian, will not see Thanksgiving come into play! I swear upon my title as the daughter of the president of the Republic of Tinto that Thanksgiving shall not be!" Lilly looked to Joe, who had a surprised look upon his helmeted features. "Duck! We share something, in common, a hatred for Thanksgiving! Join me and we shall bring it down!"

"You're not even the daughter of the president. Your credibility has no merit, so why should I join you?" Joe crossed his wings.

"…Our common trait of a hatred for Thanksgiving?" Lilly questioned.

"Hmmm, that is a logical point. All right, just this one time." Joe placed his wing out.

Lilly shook it with her hand, grinning. "For now there is an enemy of Thanksgiving! The holiday will rue the day it decided to include turkey in its menu! Hahahaha!"

"Uh guys? Do you mind, I'm trying to read about the scandal going on between Nei and Roland." Hugo asked. He was crouched underneath the two's iron hand shake.

"Hmmm. We need more allies in our plot to overthrow Thanksgiving. But who?" Sergeant Joe thought.

"Yes. Who can we trust not to spread word of our enterprise…" Lilly placed a hand to her chin in thought.

"Guys?" Hugo asked once more.

"Let us start our recruiting service in town. I have an idea!" Lilly shouted.

"I doubt it's a good one, but as long as it will stop Thanksgiving!" Joe agreed.

"Guys?!" Hugo was getting annoyed.

"What is your plan anyway?" Joe asked.

"Well, let me tell you! It's so grand!" Lilly snickered.

"GUYS?!" Hugo shouted.

"What's your problem Grassie?" Lilly asked.

"There's no time. Let us begin." Joe said. And with that, the two plotters left the castle to go to town.

Not much later, the two were sitting at a flimsy card table standing outside Gordon's item boutique. Lilly had convinced Joe that both of them should be wearing completely black, even sunglasses. Lilly and her crazy ideas. Hahahaha. Oh, right.

Lilly over turned a sign on her table that read 'recruiting for Thanksgiving overthrow'. She snickered. No one would suspect a thing.

"This is really stupid." Joe admitted.

"Shhh! Here comes a potential recruit!" Lilly silenced the duck as Martha came by. The old woman read the sign and snorted, walking away mumbling about the idiocy of it all.

"--This isn't going to work." Joe said from the corner of his bill.

"--Yea it is. Trust me." Lilly replied from the corner of her mouth.

"Hey is this a CARD table?!" Mike asked, flipping through a deck of cards in his hands.

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, technically it is, but we're not using it for cards! Oh, read the sign!" Lilly pointed to the sign on her table.

Mike adjusted his glasses and read threw it. He paused and placed a hand to his chin. Hope built inside Lilly, feeling like it was about to cause her heart to explode. "Are you sure you don't want to at least play Goldfish?"

"GET OUT OF HERE! NEXT!" Lilly smacked Mike across the face and kicked him away.

Joe sighed and frowned watching the scene unfold before a voice appeared. "Hey! Is this the recruiting office for the overthrow of Thanksgiving?!"

Joe looked up to see, of all people, Kenji the exercise coach. The duck narrowed his eyes. "Yea, so what if it is?"

"Sign me up! I must put a stop to Thanksgiving, for it puts people out of shape! They gain pounds as if it were a candy! If we are all to be healthy, we must eat healthy!"

Joe smiled. "You'll do."

Lilly came back from her chase and smiled. "O.K! We've got our army! Now for a plan!"

"Army? There is just you, Kenji, and myself." Joe replied.

"Blah blah. Action time!" Lilly shouted.

"Alright! Victory jumping jacks! Go!" Kenji began to partake in jumping jacks.

Later, in a dark cave…

"O.K. So here's the plan! We'll sneak into everyone's rooms tonight and steal all the presents, mistletoe, tinsel, and candy canes and then dump it all off Mount Krumpet!" Lilly snickered. Her plan… it was so evil.

"Thanksgiving is today. …And there's no presents involved. Nice try, take a breather." Kenji slapped Lilly on the back.

"Hmmm… Thanksgiving is a feast, right?" Joe asked.

"Yea." The other two evildoers replied.

"And to have a feast… you have to have food, right?" Joe was onto something.

"YEA!" The other two were growing eager to hear the duck's thoughts.

"… That's all I got." Joe sighed.

Kenji and Lilly fell onto their backs with shock. Suddenly Kenji leaped up.

"Wait! I know what to do! If we steal the turkey…" Kenji began.

"…Then they can't have a main course…" Lilly picked up.

"…Which means no Thanksgiving!" Joe finished.

All three began to laugh in their own, evil ways. Suddenly Kenji stopped laughing. "So what's the plan?"

Later in the day, during the middle hours of the afternoon, the Sergeant, along with Kenji and Lilly, snuck into the kitchen. Fortunately for them, no one was about, due to the completion of all the cooking earlier in the day. The three gazed around in wonder at the lavish amount of pumpkin pies, pecan nuts, apple cider barrels, steaming mashed potatoes, green beans, and many more succulent morsels cooling on the tables. But it was the turkey that they wanted, and they found it resting on the stage where Toppo, Nei, and Shabbon would be performing.

"This is all too easy…" Lilly snickered.

"My sentiments exactly. It must be a trap." Joe decided.

"A trap? Are you sure? There's no one around. Maybe they're out doing a lap?" Kenji thought.

"No guard and a giant turkey resting in plain sight. It does smell a little fishy…" Lilly thought.

"Poor soldier. May you rest in peace…" The sergeant placed his helmet over his heart.

"Why do I get Guard duty? I always get stuck with guard duty…" Came a voice from outside. The three intruders quickly hid under the tables as Joker walked in. He continued mumbling to himself and sat down at a table.

"What do we do now?" Lilly asked.

"There's no way out that I can see…" Joe glanced around.

"Maybe we should do the 500 meter dash?" Kenji asked.

"Well, its obvious now. He's on the other side, so we'll have to fight!" Lilly commanded.

"Are you crazy? That's not going to work at all!" Joe spat.

"If only we could make him rest those muscles of his…" Kenji thought.

"That's it! Joker always loves to drink! Why not get him passed out!?" Lilly thought.

"…There doesn't seem to be a lot of alcohol about…" Joe reported.

"Hmmm… turkey makes you sleepy…" Kenji smiled.

"What! If he eats the turkey, our mission is failed!" Lilly explained.

"A feast cannot be with only one. If only HE eats the turkey, Thanksgiving will be ruined!" Joe beamed. "Quack quack quack! That's a good idea."

"Still… But how?" Lilly demanded to know.

Not much later.

"~JoKeR~" Came a creepy voice from under the table.

Joker looked up from his doodling on the table. "Huh?"

"~JoKeR~ It Is I, ThE TuRkEy!~" The creepy voice sang.

Joker swiveled on the bench and looked at the big turkey sitting on the stage. "Damn. I'm getting drunk and I haven't even drank anything yet…"

"JoKeR!~ YoU MuSt EaT Me!~" The voice said.

"What? You want me to eat you?" Joker was confused.

"~YeS!~"

"Why?"

"~Uh… I'm A mAsOcHiSt?~"

"Oh…" Suddenly Jokers stomach growled. He was hungry, and now the turkey was talking to him. He licked his lips under his mustache. "Oh what the hell!" The old man got out of his chair and walked towards the enormous turkey. He was about to pick it up when his foot fell into a snare and the next thing he knew he was upside down.

"Hey! Damn you devil turkey! You tricked me!" Joker cursed.

"I knew it was a trap." Joe whispered.

"Well, now that the traps been pulled, lets get the turkey and do a relay marathon!" Kenji advised.

"But Joker will see us!" Lilly said.

"Not if we use… this!" Suddenly Joe leaped from under the table, flinging newly acquired salt all over the place.

"Hey! Stop that! Achoo!" Joker sneezed as he became blinded.

"Quick! Grab the turkey and split!" Lilly shouted.

The turkey was quite heavy, and it took both Kenji and the Sergeant to lift it. But with a little skill and a lot of luck, the trios of bandits were able to make it out of the kitchen/pub and into the woods, were they quickly buried the turkey (after the funeral, which Joe insisted they have for a cooked soldier).

That night…

Most of the 108 Stars of Destiny had sat themselves at a huge table that was lain out across the courtyard. Only the cooks were missing, along with the food. Banners and lanterns were everywhere, along with wreaths, cornucopias, and other autumn decorations. It was truly a holiday sight to behold.

But three stars of destiny were not so intent on decorations as they sat in a tree nearby, over looking the scene and snickering to themselves.

"Thanksgiving is ruined! We threw salt in all of the foods and buried the turkey! There's no way they can have it now!" Lilly snickered.

"A massive diet will start now! Healthy bodies for everyone!" Kenji cheered.

"Hopefully this will teach them not to eat Turkey! I can't wait for all the sounds of despair to begin! Quack quack quack!" Joe laughed as he placed a wing to his helmet, trying to hear.

Thomas appeared from the kitchen, his head held low. This gave all the onlookers a question, wondering what had happened. It long wasn't before someone asked the inevitable question (which happened to be Kidd) "What happened?"

"I'm sorry to say this, but all of our food has been ruined! The food is all too salty and the turkey's gone…" Thomas sullenly announced.

"I bet it was the old man…" Ace said before getting an elbow in the ribs from Queen.

"But don't fret! Remember, a feast isn't what Thanksgiving is about! It's about friends and family! We can still have a good Thanksgiving!" Thomas smiled.

"The BEST one ever Lord Thomas!" Cecille laughed.

"Lets all start a song!" Twaiiken demanded. "~Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work we go!~"

"How about a real song!" Lady Chris laughed.

_They're singing?! _Joe was surprised in thoughts. _Even though they're Thanksgiving was ruined! They're still singing! Maybe Thanksgiving doesn't come with whip cream or ham, green beans, Cranberry sauce, corn, and potatoes mashed! Maybe… Thanksgiving isn't what food you got from the grocery store. Maybe Thanksgiving means something a little more…_

"Argh! I can't believe this! Thanksgiving isn't ruined!" Lilly pulled at her hair.

"Hey! There's some food left in here!" Mutto yelled from the kitchen. "And it's Tofu!"

"Tofu!" Lilly exclaimed. "That's vegetarian safe! Maybe they have learned! Well, I'm off!" And Lilly leaped from the tree and ran to join her fellow stars.

"Ungh, after this, I'm going to take a long jog." Scott said from the table.

"A jog! Maybe this Thanksgiving is beneficial! I must be their coach!" Kenji leaped from the tree as well, running to the festivities.

"Thanksgiving may be about friends and family, but 'tis still no excuse for roasting a turkey!" The Sergeant crossed his wings in stubbornness.

_Don't be absurd Sergeant! You should go down there and give thanks for all your allies and victories! Besides…you never liked Uncle Tom the Turkey much anyway… _Joe's inner child told him.

"Uncle Tom was a bit on the dim side. He would stand out in the rain and try to swallow every drop. The fool drowned himself. What was I thinking?! I should be with my friends and allies!" Joe reflected.

And so, even birds of a feather can join another. The Sergeant became a big hit at this Thanksgiving and was even honored with making the first slice of the tofu cube. And so, Sergeant Joe learned that Thanksgiving is more about foods and feasts; it's about you and your relation to me. So Have a happy Thanksgiving, and remember your friends and family, not the turkey and ham. Quack quack quack…

Joker swung by the rope by his foot, still hanging upside down as the feast outside was ending. "Uh… help?"

**THE END** Now it's time to run from all the angry Doctor Suess fans! 


End file.
